The world cried in outrage last week, when the news broke. Viewers threw inanimate objects at television screens – tweeters asked where the madness could possibly end as it had been officially announced by creators Sanrio, that Hello Kitty is NOT a cat.
I shall pause now for you to digest this information which has no doubt shattered your world view. Surely she must be a cat?! You wail, her very name suggests the fact!
But no, Sanrio have corrected our misconceptions explaining Kitty is merely her first name (the last being, ingeniously, White) and that the beloved character is not a feline friend but a British schoolgirl.
Sanrio also pointed out that Kitty does not walk on all fours – a clue us foolish mortals overlooked – and also owns her own pet cat, so obviously could not be one herself.
Presumably Kitty’s whiskers and general cat-like appearance are the result of fashion-forward cosmetic surgery, which impacts her role model status. Sanrio will most certainly address this important problem, teaching ‘human’ Kitty the error of her ways.
In light of this bombshell I though it prudent to recall the top five deceptions faced by the youth of today:
The big one. We look forward to the arrival of a geriatric stranger in a crimson suit, who we expect to break into our houses in the dead of night and leave presents. But no… Mum and Dad, it was you all along wasn’t it, the people who love me and care for me everyday, not a generous but eccentric old age pensioner with a love of small children! Why would I want presents from YOU!
Pure, innocent and magical….Until the internet is invented and you discover racism, Nazi tendencies and some sneaky sexual imagery hidden in the artwork (dig out your original VHS cover of ‘The Little Mermaid’ and take a closer look at the underwater castle. I dare you.)
3. The Stork
Ah, the bird of love who flies new babies to loving homes, or pumpkin patches depending on your parents’ imaginative tendencies. The truth when revealed, was a horrifying revelation. “You have to be naked? In front of a smelly child? WHY?!
Every girl’s favourite toy is created in physically impossible dimensions which breed anorexia and body dysmorphia. Plus, she broke up with Ken and got with some guy named Blaine, OMG!
A core subject they say (so useful, they say). I believe the phrase ‘skill for life’ was uttered in hushed tones. I have one word for those well-meaning adults: calculators!
Algebra is not the key to all life. Trigonometry didn’t save the world and even long division didn’t prevent the credit crunch. The gig is up, throw out the protractor and walk into the light.
Before these many deceptions leave you rocking in the corner of a darkened room rest assured; the kitty may not be a cat, but Snoopy has confirmed he is, in fact, a dog.
Written by Hannah Cooper (MA Journalism student of Birkbeck College)